Important lesson in Kindness There is a story about an eleven year old boy who learned an important lesson regarding the interpretation of right action and values. Eric played Little League baseball on the Phoenix’s team. It was the last game of the season and the most important one as it would determine the championship. But it was important for another reason as well. It was the bottom of the sixth and the Eric’s team, the Phoenixs were ahead 2-1. But the opposing team, the Pegasus, had the bases loaded with two outs and their best hitter was at bat. He hit an easy fly ball to Phoenix’s right fielder, Bobby, who circled under it, his glove in position. It looked like an easy out and the crowd grew quiet in anticipation. The ball fell into Bobby’s glove, but then bounced out. Bobby scrambled for it but by the time he got hold of it and threw it, the Pegasus won the game 3-2. The defeated Phoenix slunk off the field when suddenly their manager stated screaming at Bobby. “You lost us the game. It is your fault we lost the championship!” Bobby was devastated and ran off the field and into the woods. When the game was over, Eric went to meet his parents for the drive home but his dad wasn’t there. His mom said that dad had something to take care of. Eric was feeling dejected when in the distance he saw his father walking down the road with his arm around Bobby. Bobby was the one who didn’t feel he had a friend in the world and Eric’s dad had reached out to him in kindness and support. Eric never forgot the kindness his father extended that day. In the matter of one hour, Eric’s value system made a radical shift and the important of kindness went to the top, while winning at all costs, fell off the list. Bobby never forgot either because whenever he saw Eric’s dad he broke into a big smile and greeted him warmly. The team manager was misdirected in believing that winning was everything. He misled his players when he yelled that Bobby lost the championship because anyone who has ever played any sport, knows the team wins or loses together. Some people really believe that winning is everything. Those are the ones who put the feelings of a vulnerable eleven year old Little League baseball player as nothing. Real winners don’t necessarily hit home runs or make spectacular plays and catch every ball. Real winners like Eric’s dad, know how to be kind. He was clear in his directtion and taught by excample. Kindness is everything.

Peace and Preparedness In the 1880s the great black educator, Booker T. Washington, was an advocate for peace and against useless conflict. Once, as he walked past the mansion of a wealthy Alabama plantation owner, he demonstrated his commitment to peace. The white lady of the house didn’t know Professor Washington by sight. As he strolled by, she yelled out to him to “chop some firewood”. Washington understood her mistake, yet he took off his coat, grabbed an ax and proceeded to cut a pile of wood. As he carried the wood to the lady’s kitchen (per instruction) he smiled pleasantly at the woman. He then went on his way. After he had disappeared, one of her servants told her mistress, “That was Professor Washington.” The woman of the house felt horrible and deeply embarrassed by her error. Thus, she went the following day to Professor Washington’s office to apologize. Washington responded to her admission of guilt with grace. “It is entirely all right, madam. I like to work and I’m delighted to do favors for my friends.” Washington’s poise and dignity in a potentially humiliating situation created a true friend for him, as this woman graciously supported him for many years and ultimately raised thousands of dollars for his Tuskegee Institute. We can all learn to respond to conflict with the same artistic efficiency as Washington. To do this we must have a strong desire to experience and express peace in our lives and harmony in our relationships. Plus, we must be willing to discipline our egos so that when opportunities for discourse arise, we can be fully present and prepared. This discipline requires that we examine our need “to be right”, to have the last word, and to choose to be offended over small matters that don’t necessarily matter. Daily our words and actions state our preference for peace or strife. What signals are you putting forth? Are your actions consistent with your desires? Author, Jerry Jampolsky states this principle of choice well. “Would you rather be right or happy?”

Making Criticism Friendly Millionaire, Steven K. Scott, makes a radical suggestion, “Make your worst enemy your best friend – criticism.” He offers considerations on how to convert criticism to understanding. For instance, consider the source. How qualified is this person to give such criticism? What is the basis of the criticism? Example, is it based on emotion, lack of understanding, lack of experience, logic, the realities of the situation, or conventional thinking rather than creative thinking? Also recognize the motive of the critic and the accuracy of the criticism. It is most important to take responsibility for your response to criticism. If you defend, attack, withdraw, or surrender, you might think of these as wrong responses. Whereas right response would be to re-focus, write down the criticism, and then search out the “gold” in it. If you look for something valuable, something you can learn from in the censure, you will find it, even though it may have nothing at all to do with the original intent of the critic. Scott offers some steps to process disapproval. These include examination of what hurt you the most? And What good came from it? As well as what would you do differently the next time? It would seem that all people would benefit from careful examination of not only faultfinding received, but what we find fault with in others. We might turn this latter thought inward with additional questions. Why do we have a need to criticize in the first place? What is our intent in doing so and why does another person’s behavior weigh so heavily on us that we would need to chime in with criticism? And, on the reverse side, what exactly is triggering our need to take criticism personally? Certainly people in sales and leadership positions would profit from this kind of self-examination. Insight could provide opportunity to radically change their interactions with staff and customers. Expanding farther, certainly all people dealing with issues of insecurity could be helped by self understanding. When you get right down to it, all people need this type of realization and awareness. It could be that Steven K. Scott is a successful millionaire because he has mastered criticism.

What are you Building? Remember the story of the bricklayers? When asked, “What are you doing?” One brick layer said, “I’m earning a living”, the next responded, “I’m laying brick”, the third exclaimed, “I’m building a great cathedral.” The last bricklayer brought great pride, joy and appreciation to his work and went home fulfilled. Which one are you? I met a tire salesman who, when approached for tires said, “Yes, I can help you”. He smiled broadly and demonstrated eagerness, willingness, and friendliness. He judged his work important, for he was helping people. His customers were served not only with good products and service, but with positive energy. He and they went home happy. He, because he gave 100% and they, because they were made to feel special. We all have it within us to do the same. You can build a great monument, or work for a paycheck. The rewards are drastically different. You are the one who gets to decide which it will be. For a more common example, consider the homemaker, who approaches meal preparation for her family with boredom and obligation. The meal might be nutritious, but the most important ingredient, love, has been left out. From appearances, her family fairs well enough, but how much better (and more fun) would it be if food were served with enthusiasm and love. This doesn’t mean every dinner must be a feast, for there is much to be said for simplicity, especially after a long, active day, but it does not take extra effort to imbue what you do with love. This can be as easy as giving your work positive attention and having a clear intention for performing it. In our fear-based society, we have been taught to work for money, but psychologist have proven that for most people, money is not the prime motivator. Most are inspired by recognition. Even the simplest acknowledgment you give another, can have dynamic impact, and literally turn a negative situation or relationship into a positive one. Working for money as the goal can be uninspiring, flat, uncreative, and joyless. Why? Because you are not a factor in the goal. You are not allowing your work to bring you joy. If you sell insurance with the idea of making a financial quota, you are always looking for the next sale. Your interest in serving your customers is overshadowed by the need to raise your bottom line. In time, you don’t care if your customers’ needs are met or not because you are busy competing with last month’s record. There is no heart, soul, or passion in what you do. You have become a insurance robot. Spouting proposals and collecting revenues. Your customers become numbers, not names, and you lose your passion. You measure your success with how much is in the bank rather than did I provide excellent service, did I touch lives? Take an ordinary service, product, or activity and add something that makes it magnetic and irresistible. Add positive energy to your work, and you will find that your job becomes more fun, you have greater likelihood of getting a raise or promotion, you’ll elevate your energy level and possibly go beyond your present company. Keep improving your knowledge, skills and service, and you’ll be the biggest benefactor. What activity, event, or work are you performing? Approach it with openness, appreciation, and as an opportunity to express your creativity and love. Then, step back and notice the results. First, did you enjoy it more? Did others? Which approach gives you the most satisfaction and fulfillment? Are you building a cathedral or just putting in your time?

Kindness as a path to Personal Transformation “If you can, help others; if you cannot do that, at least do not harm them.” Dalia Lama The ancient philosopher Philo of Alexandria (20AD – 50 AD) spoke similarly: “Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.” It is often difficult for us to recognize that each person has his/her own challenges. We can become so engulfed in our own issues we forget to acknowledge the people around us. When times seem tough, there is a tendency to pull back into one’s own world and as one does that, he becomes smaller, his energy field constricts. It is the same with victimhood. When we identify with what is not working and immerse ourselves in struggle, we can easily forget that others have pain as well. Soon our world is quite tiny. We must guard against isolation for it diminishes us. We are constructed to allow energy to flow through us and we cannot do that when isolated. We are healthier when we allow energy to flow and express – give it away. We have more love, when we give it away. The way to reverse the process of isolation and restriction is through kindness, gentleness, gratitude and love. Each of these expands energy. When you are feeling stuck, a simple act of kindness will move your attention from your small world to an expanded consciousness. A Hebrew holy book states that “The secret to happiness is giving.” Often people think they have not given unless the gift is substantial (a million dollars to develop a hospital wing). Yet, the truth is that every small gift matters and can change lives for each act has a ripple effect. If someone treats you with kindness and compassion, your tendency is to do the same to others. Kindness inspired kindness. Lena Horne said that she really didn’t become a successful human being until she took time to be kinder to everyone. In her words, “it was my responsibility to remove my own chip from my own shoulder. When I did, the world became a sweeter place and great success professional and personal, followed.” To seek personal expansion and transformation, we must also remove the chip from our own shoulder and release our obsession with personal struggles. As we extend ourselves, our world not only expands but brightens. We are now truly in the Light. Kindness can be skill we cultivate until it becomes natural. It can be as simple as waiting graciously while others are served, or smiling at strangers. Notice the opportunities that are presented to be kind. Can you hold open a door for someone struggling with packages? Say a kind word; express encouragement; do something above and beyond your duty? George H W Bush said, “American is never wholly herself unless she is engaged in high moral principle. We as people have such a purpose today. It is to make kinder the face of the nation and gentler the face of the world.” Kindness is the soul’s path out of loneliness to a destination of joy. Make a commitment to extend yourself in kindness to everyone you encounter today. ____________________________________________________________

Freedom to Choose When you blame others for your life, you give up the power to change, because you are making the other person the cause of your situation. Your self-definition is that of victim. Victims look outside themselves for their good and don’t take responsibility for causing their lives. “You make me mad”; “That drives me crazy”; “You upset me when you do that”. Each statement, depicts the speaker giving away his power. Each reflect the speaker’s inability or unwillingness to make choices to maintain his own emotional stability and peace. There is no event that can cause everyone to feel the same? The picture of an adorable baby draws oohs and ahhhs of admiration or illicit moans of too much work, mess, responsibility. A gory murder movie is reacted to with disgust or laughter depending on the observer’s point of view. The bottom line is no one can make you feel bad. You don’t have to get mad is someone addresses you in a derogatory fashion, anymore than you have to be happy if paid a compliment. Your reaction belongs to you. You can decide to be peaceful despite a chaotic environment. In Searching For Man’s Meaning, Victor Frankl said that no matter what his captors (in the concentration camp) did to him, they could not control his mind. In his mind, Frankl had visions of being back home. Instead of lavishing his captors with hate, he directed his imagination to sweet memories of home. As it turned out, Frankl, as one of the few camp survivors, returned home to his family. Captive of our unwillingness to set our own standards, our lives become individualized concentration camps when we turn over control to others. Next time you are faced with an opportunity to lose your cool, stop and reflect. You can remain unfettered in your own peacefulness. Detach from the learned inclination toward violence. Instead, decide how you would really like to feel. With practice, you will create unflinching peace that is impervious to the whims of others.

Finding the Pearl Oysters live inside hard shells and have soft, sensitive bodies. When a grain of sand pushes into the shell, the oyster experiences great agony. If the oyster is unable to remove the painful irritant, it tries another approach and coats the sand with layers of soft iridescent mother of pearl. Thus what was initially an annoyance is transformed, over time, into a beautiful object of great value. The same thing happens to each of us when faced with life’s irritations. We have the choice to react in pain and agony or find a way to use the problem/challenge to create something of value. The merchandiser, J. C. Penney, was challenged as the seventh of twelve children in a very poor family. He decided to use his capacity for enterprise to get what he wanted. Consequently Penney raised and sold pigs to buy his school clothes. The undertaking that created a practical solution for purchasing school clothes, eventually expanded into a lucrative business, J.C. Penney department stores. Joe was Chief Engineer at a company that was downsizing. When he lost his job, he was momentarily sad until he realized that finally he had the time and opportunity to start his own business. Had Joe’s job not been eliminated, he would never have pursued entrepreneurship. Joe ultimately developed a successful business, created greater personal freedom and fulfilled his dreams. All this evolved from a situation that was initially an irritant. There are pearls hidden in every situation. They are the seeds of a new way (career, relationship, business, hobby, process). The choice is to be a victim of circumstances or an opportunist. Recognizing opportunity requires vision, willingness, courage, effort, determination, and action. Do you have what it takes? Are you willing to find the pearls? ______________________________________